July 15th, 2015: the day that everything changed. No, that's not when Skynet was supposed to become self-aware, raining down atomic fire and ushering in an epic war between man and machine. We're talking about Prime Day!
Amazon rang in its twentieth anniversary with a 24 hour gauntlet of limited-time sales for members of its $99-a-year subscription service. There have been all sorts of articles grousing and groaning about how the massively hyped Prime Day wound up being a glorified garage sale, but some of us here at USA TODAY 10Best found plenty of compelling reasons to crack open our wallets. Even though it's too late to buy in now, we figured we'd taunt you with a completely serious countdown of Prime Day's greatest deals for travelers that you probably missed.
10. Antarctic Krill Oil
No matter how well-traveled you are, chances are that you haven't made a victory lap across all seven continents yet. Maybe you'll never trek down to Antarctica yourself, but turn the A/C down low enough and pop one of these liquid softgels, and maybe you'll feel like you're scaling the heights of Mount Erebus! These supplements are clinically proven too. Proven to do what, I have no idea, but Dr. Oz says that krill oil is "the new omega-3", so it's either really awesome or their check cleared.
9. Not-Screwing-Around Shoehorn
Look, we've all been there. You're frantically running across the airport to make a connecting flight, the overcaffeinated kid behind you is, like, the Pelé of seat-kicking, the in-flight movie is Marmaduke (again?!), the airline's lost your luggage, and...geez, all you want to do is slink off to your hotel room, kick off your shoes, and relax. But wait: what if you can't kick off your shoes?
If you think the answer is as easy as asking the front desk for a shoehorn, let me tell you from first-hand experience that you're in for a rude awakening. Heck, maybe your feet are wedged in there so tightly that a garden variety shoehorn can't hope to do the trick. Way to go, Amazon Prime! I made it a point to pack your two foot long shoehorn, and now my vacation has been salvaged. Aren't you glad you set your alarm clock to 5 AM to make sure you got in on this sale?
8. Beard Growther, Which I Guess Is a Word
In some cultures, a beard reflects a man's virility, wisdom, or even social status. Don't let yourself be caught with your pants downchin exposed. If the clock is ticking down to your flight and you need to grow a beard fast, Prime Day is here to help. Well, it was here to help, anyway. You did place your order in time, right? Thanks, Amazon and Beardfarmer.com; now I have a proper beard and don't just look like one of the bigger kids rubbed my face in the dirt.
7. Incredibly Specific Coozie
Every time I plop down in my seat, the barrage of questions from everyone else on the plane quickly follows:
"I know you probably get this all the time, but were you born in 1974?"
"People whose moms squirted 'em out after '76 don't know how good they have it. This guy knows what I'm talkin' about!"
"You look like you'd be super-into body mods, but I don't see any. What are you hiding?"
Now I let my coozie do my talking for me. I even have a spare! The Prime Day sale only included two of these coozies, but if you don't mind paying a little extra, you can get a 12-pack: one for each Shasta.
6. Manuscript Sealing Wax
I'm sick to death of all those Ignorant American Traveler stereotypes. Now when the hotel clerk asks me for my reservation, I don't whip out a smartphone or a boring ol' printout. I have my reservation reproduced by hand on parchment and sealed with the Royal Insignia. I just wish that Amazon sold Prime Day signet rings so I could really be a wax-sealing baller.
5. Swiss Army Lighter Sleeve
Oh, your Swiss army knife has a blade, a screwdriver, a bottle opener, a key ring, and spring action scissors? Forgive me if I'm not impressed. Mine does all of that and can set things on fire. Game, set, match. Well, not "match" 'cause it's a lighter but...you get where I'm going with this. With a name like "LighterBro", it has to be good.
4. Starry Night Clogs
Comfort. Class. Clog. No matter how far from home I may find myself, all I have to do is look down at my feet to feel as if I'm once again walking the halls of the Museum of Modern Art. Thank you, Timberland and your Pro Women's Renova line of slip-on shoes, for reminding us how to laugh and love...again.
3. Unicorn Pogo Jumper
Ugh! Another day, another endless line for TSA screening. Courtesy of Prime Day, now that wait is bunches of fun. Squeak! Squeak! It's a great ice breaker too; I guarantee that many, many people will want to talk to you about it.
2. Airplane Seat Belt Extender
Airplane seats are getting tinier and tinier, and sometimes those belts are a hassle to adjust. Prime Day offered up a couple of ways to deal with those headaches. You can either just make the belt longer with this extender, or...well...
1. 55 Gallon Barrel Drum of Lube
Every other "Prime Day, WTF?" article has poked fun at this, and now it's our turn! There are times, I must confess, when I've gotten stuck in my undersized airplane seat. (That's what you get for putting the armrests down!) I used to work around this by grabbing a tub of Crisco and slathering my arms and legs in the stuff. I was desperate for a better way, and boy, did Prime Day deliver! For the low, low price of $1,361.80 (shipping's free!), I no longer have to cover myself in lard by hand like a commoner; I can just jump right into this barrel drum of lube and slither my way out of any situation. Plus it's water-based, so I'm being environmentally responsible too.
My favorite part of all this is what shows up under the "Customers Who Viewed This Also Viewed" section on Amazon. People demanding 55 gallons of lube are also looking at 40 lbs. of dehydrated marshmallows, Look and Feel Canadian breath spray, and this creepy old man vinyl mask. Sounds like someone's already planned my Friday night for me!
If you're aching for actual coverage of Prime Day, USA TODAY – as always! – has you covered.
